


our past is real

by elentiya



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Bisexual Character, F/F, F/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Violence, i also probably get tenses confused full disclosure, i literally don't know how to edit, i'm really selling this fic to u wow, relationships are undecided, this is a story of healing, updates are sporadic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:01:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27023965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elentiya/pseuds/elentiya
Summary: She imagines that were she not beaten last night, she might have had an easier time keeping up with the dauntless as they run cheering towards the train. She feels the tightness in her limbs, the rigid soreness of her muscles. Adrenaline is the only thing that gets her on that train. This was her way out, so she would run, or she would die.
Relationships: Eric (Divergent)/Original Female Character(s), Original Female Character(s)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> just straight up before we dive in -- trigger warnings!
> 
> TW/s: depression, child abuse, sexual assault, rape, abuse, violence.
> 
> I will come back to add to this list if needed, as well as warning at the start of every chapter. Given these warnings, it is up to you to decide whether you wish to continue reading.  
> Please, at any time if you feel I am not handling material sensitively enough, let me know.
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoy -- comments are encouraged. Updates will be sporadic.

She sits at the table and watches him eat his dinner in her periphery, never brave enough to look him head-on. He is calm, quiet. He chews nice and slow, as if every second in the world is his to take. As if she doesn’t sweat harder every minute she’s made to wait. Her step-father had taken her in after her mothers passing and since that time, he had done his best to single-handedly destroy her. His silence saturated the room, drawing out her anxiety, making her heart jitter in her chest.

She’d had her aptitude test earlier in the day. He hadn’t asked her what she had gotten because it didn’t matter. She would be choosing Amity. There wasn’t a choice, but now she just awaited the reminder.

He sits back in his chair upon finishing dinner, rolling up his shirt sleeve calmly. She does what she can to blank out what comes next.

When he hits her, he is precise. He doesn’t hold back, but as always, he hits her where no one else will see. Never enough to break, but just enough to bleed. She may blank out, but that doesn’t stop the tears. He’s smiling. He’s always smiling.

Everyone in amity loved him, they never suspected. To them, he was the poor widower, who had lost the love of his life. Who had taken on a great responsibility, raising the child left to him. A child that turned quiet as the days went on. A child that didn’t talk to the others. That grew more like her tall, willowy mother by the day. Or, as much like her as she could without her smile.

When he finishes, tugging his clothes back into place, her a broken heap at his feet, he spits. 

“I own your ass.”

***

It hadn’t always been like this. As a child she had been loved. Her mother and father had been doting and kind. Hugs like warm sunshine, smiles and love a constant. She was unburdened, happy. She was infinitely naïve. In moments where she lay shattered and alone, she drifted and dreamed of the time before.

Her father had died when she was seven. He had slipped and hit his head, and just like that, in this terribly strange way, the strongest man she’d known was gone. She cried every day for months, her mother beside her. Then, her mother had met her step-father. He had been charming, handsome. Her mother became enamoured, they were married and then, slowly, he changed.

There’s no sugar coating what he was. He was abusive. He would hit her. At first her mother got in the way to stop him. Then it got worse for the both of them. He’d get angrier, more prone to violence. She’d hear her mother’s screams in the dark. Night after night. She hadn’t known then. She knew now. She knew what he was doing to her mother, because after she had died, he had started doing it to her.

So, when she had gotten amity as a test result, she had been surprised — she valued kindness? After all this?

***

Letting her hand hover above the coals isn’t a conscious decision. Hearing her blood sizzle brings her a stark clarity of mind she hadn’t felt in years. She doesn’t smile, but she feels a certain lightness. The cheers sound loud in the auditorium.

Well. She hadn’t quite planned for this. 

Turning to the dauntless, she settles the pitter patter in her heart. She does not look towards her father as she steps towards them. Dauntless would not be her home, but they would teach her. And after she had taken their lessons, she would choose to live factionless. She would be safe only because she would not be found. 

***

She had tried once. To tell someone.

***

She imagines that were she not beaten last night, she might have had an easier time keeping up with the dauntless as they run cheering towards the train. She feels the tightness in her limbs, the rigid soreness of her muscles. Adrenaline is the only thing that gets her on that train. This was her way out, so she would run, or she would die.

***

Getting up from the gravel takes a moment. When she saw people in the carriages ahead beginning to jump onto a rooftop she almost called it quits and stayed on the train. It would make her factionless, but the adrenaline had worn off and she felt as if her body was one open, pulsating sore.  
The breath was knocked out of her on impact. The pain blanks her out, and staggering to her feet a moment later takes more out of her than she has to give. Tears gathering in her eyes, she limps slowly toward the group gathered at the roofs edge. 

A man a year or so older than her is speaking to her, she knows it. But she can’t register it. She hopes her non-reply is something he’ll settle for. 

It pays off, for his attention shifts to the group, and she is able to stand, albeit slightly swaying, without being bothered. She watches a small patch of blood bloom at her ribs. Like a singular, dark poppy blooming in a field of snow or wheat or something equally stark.

She hears the word ‘jump’, watching in disbelief as one after the other, her fellow initiates plunge off the roof. The gravel had been enough to wipe her out, but now there was this?

She should have just stayed on the train.

When there appears a lull in the initiates regarding jumping into a certain unknown, she figures now to be a better time than any. She staggers forward, knowing the bloody patch at her front had spread. She barely registers the looks thrown her way.

Can rarely register anything. Upon heaving herself up on the edge of the roof, she feels the blood drain from her face. Watches the world blank out. There’s a voice. She’s falling down, down, down.

***

There’s a woman at her side as she wakes. A nurse.

Water is held to her mouth, and gingerly, she accepts.

The nurse sits beside her, her expression calm, “You’re in the infirmary at the dauntless compound. Can you tell me your name?”

With a blink, a quick decision not to use her old name, “Ro.”

“Ro. Okay.” The nurse takes a breath and she feels her nerves rise, “You fainted and fell from the roof down onto the net, no one could grab you in time. You have heavy bruising around your ribs, back and thighs. Multiple abrasions. I stitched up the bleeder near your ribs so you’ll need to come back to see me in about a week.” Her voice grows gentler if possible, “Ro, can I ask who has done this to you?”

Ro hadn’t planned on being caught out. She supposed it was fairly clear, injuries like these didn’t just happen, and this was dauntless. She was sure they saw it often enough.

“There’s nothing to be said.” Ro knows she doesn’t have to say anything. They could suspect all they wanted, but with no report it ended there.

“There’s nothing to be said.”

She had tried once. To tell someone. 

Once was enough.

***

When she wakes the second time, there’s two men talking in a hushed stream. She vaguely recalls one of their faces from up on the roof, but she has no clue who the other man is.

She blinks, hazy. “Hello. Who are you?”

The men’s conversation stops, both turning to her.

The unfamiliar man uncrosses his arms, stepping closer, jaw tight, “My name is Four, I’m your instructor.”

“Right. Nice to meet you.” The silence draws out and she finds herself speaking again, “Are you here to let me out, or are we about to have a delightful conversation?”

Four looks to the man from the roof, paying no mind to her sarcasm. Crossing his arms and turns back again, “We want to help you.”

She purses her lips a moment, a hint of annoyance rising at the thought of having to do this again, “I’ve helped myself.”

“If you tell us who has done this, then we can take action. Who did this to you?” This time it’s the man from the roof. 

She turns her head to him, “That’s none of your business.”

His eyes narrow, “I won’t ask again. Why are you protecting them?”

She clenches a fist, briefly. Her step-father wasn’t just some nobody amity, and he would kill her if he got the chance. She didn’t need word getting back, and she didn’t need a court date, didn’t want to see him again. Didn’t want to explain every dirty detail of what he had done to her. She would escape to the factionless soon enough, and there no-one would know her name. No one would find her.

“I’m not protecting anyone but myself. You’ll find I’m under no obligation to speak about this to either of you.”

At the dead-pan expression on his face, she shrugs, “I vividly recall falling down some stairs yesterday. That quite explains my injuries, I believe.”

He scoffs. The man called Four clears his throat, drawing her attention and interrupting the other man, “That’s fine. Please talk to any of us when you’re ready. You’ll be discharged tomorrow morning, I will come by early to show you where you’ll be staying, the mess hall and then the training room. There’s a few days yet before you’ll be expected to participate in hand-to-hand combat. You’ll be given something for your bruising and pain-killers, but we’ll judge it as it comes.”

She’s feeling hazy again. Sucking her bottom lip into her mouth she nods slowly, “Okay. I’ll be fine by then.”

She’d be sore, but it wouldn’t be as it was today.

Four huffs out a breath, “Like I said. We’ll decide how to proceed when we get there.”

***

The next morning, as promised, Four comes to get her and she is discharged. He walks her through the compound, talking her through what she missed. She keeps up, the pain-killers working wonders, but is mindful not too push too hard. She’s wearing dauntless clothing. She feels freer now then ever before.

He leads her to the mess hall, and she grabs an apple and muffin, settling quickly in an empty area. It was quite early and there weren’t too many people about just yet. Four sits across from her, a cup of coffee in hand.

She bites into her apple, “You’re not that much older than me, right?”

Four looks up, “I’m twenty.”

Ro nods, chewing thoughtfully, “Right. So you had initiation two years ago. Were you in the same class as that other man?”

Four raises a brow, “Eric?”

“Is that his name? He didn’t say yesterday.” It goes unspoken that he probably had said, but she’d been too exhausted and in pain to notice.

Four nods, almost inhaling the coffee in his hand, “Yes, Eric and I were in the same initiation class.”

She watches the minute quirk of his lip, almost unnoticeable, “You ranked above him?”

Four looks up at her, not giving anything away, “What makes you say that?”

She finds herself tilting her head slightly, as if weighing him up, “A feeling.”

Four shakes his head and looks down to his cup, a small smile emerging, “Perceptive.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, thanks for your kudos! Ro has a long journey ahead, I hope you enjoy reading about it. please do comment and let me know what you think about this chapter haha

She hadn’t noticed yesterday, too caught up in it all, but there was one other amity in her class. She remembered his face. Had seen him in passing in shared classes, but they had never really spoken. He was tall and broad. Always smiling, and well-liked by their peers. He’d never said a bad word about anyone, but it was on principle that she didn’t trust him.

When she walks into the room beside Four, everyone’s just trailing in. She’s not sure how she feels about not having time to have met them all yesterday. She supposes that it doesn’t really matter since she planned to leave before being fully initiated.

The amity boy, Reed if she recalled correctly, had smiled at her when she arrived. She had inclined her head with a small wave but hadn’t made a move to approach him quite yet. She’d made a mistake not to ask Four what had happened following her fall. Although, she figured it was fairly self-explanatory. She was injured for whatever reason, had fallen. It wasn’t anyone’s business anyways. She wasn’t too thrilled that Four and Eric had an inkling about what was going on either, but at least she knew they weren’t likely to run their mouths.

Eric arrived and talked them through the first stage of training, explaining rankings and what was expected of them. He had a nice sort of voice. Deep and distracting. She wonders how she hadn’t taken note of it in the infirmary. Her eyes are just examining his neck tattoos when she realises he’s finished speaking. She looks to his face and finds him looking at her. Even though she’s caught, she doesn’t react. Just keeps looking at him.

He raises an eyebrow but says nothing. Four steps up, leading them all through some stretches and starts them on a jog. 

“No.” Eric steps in front of her, stopping her from joining the group, “I’ll lead you through a workout, you won’t be running today.”

“I feel fine.”

Eric narrows his eyes, “That’s because you’re on heavy pain-killers. I’m leading you through a workout, as I’ve already discussed with Four.”

Avoiding the stares of her class mates, she nods tightly.

Eric nods once and leads her through more stretches. She feels twinges of pain ghosting past the pain-killers but works through it. She suspects it’s almost time for her next dose by the time they finish up and the rest of the class is back from their jog through the compound.

She turns to Eric, “Thank-you.”

Eric looks at her briefly before turning away. Shrugging, she sits on a bench and fetches her water bottle for her next dose.

“Hey, Calliope, right?”

The bottle stutters on the way up to her mouth, but she takes a sip before looking up. It’s Reed, smiling.

The sound of her old name had sent a pang of fear straight through her, she tried to work past it, “It’s actually, uh, Ro now. Hello. You’re Reed?”

Reed nods, “Oh, sorry, of course, Ro.” His smile turns into a grin, “Suits you. Didn’t get to say hi yesterday, we can get lunch together after if you want, you can meet some of the others.”

Four’s calling them back to work them through fighting positions, and though she doesn’t quite trust Reed, it is nice to be included.

“Yes, I’d like that.”

***

It turns out that despite landing Amity as her aptitude, she wasn’t that opposed to the idea that she would have to fight her peers. She imagined life as a factionless wasn’t going to be easy, so she would need these skills to survive. She needed to be selfish, so the thought of violence wasn’t as disturbing to her as it could have been. Even then, her ranking wouldn’t be of detriment to anyone since she was planning to leave anyways, it didn’t matter when she ranked.

That being said, they were days away from actually fighting. For now they went through the motions with a partner and tomorrow they would be introduced to knives and gun assembly.

Her partner was a slightly smaller girl. Or rather, her partner was of an average build and she herself was fairly tall. 

“Hi, I’m Vera.” the girl put her hand out, and Ro finds herself responding in kind, “Hello, I’m Ro.”

“Are you feeling better after yesterday? When I saw you fall with all those patches of blood on your top I thought you had died.” There’s not a hint of malice in the girl's eyes, just a genuine sort of concern that Ro hadn’t experienced in a long while. 

Ro feels the slightest sliver of amusement rise at the apparent lack of filter on the girl before her, “Still alive, thank-you for asking.”

Vera smiles, and then without another word, they start practicing the motions Four had walked them through a moment ago.

***

Vera was funny. Ro was seated beside her at lunch, across from Reed and a few other initiates. She wasn’t too comfortable but she forced herself to sit on the bench as if she were. When the voices built up a bit too much, she made sure to take a deep breath, hold it. There were so many sudden movements, but she suspected before long she would be used to them. The others laugh freely and she envies them it. She hadn’t felt the urge for a long time.

Someone takes a seat beside her, and she’s jostled. She doesn’t know them, they’re already turned to their friends and chatting away, but she hadn’t expected the contact. Her flinch is violent and she finds herself beginning to shake slightly. So much for progress. 

“Ro, Reed — did you guys know each-other before coming here?” Ro’s eyes find Vera’s. She had noticed her panic, if the set of her mouth was anything to go by. The distraction was welcomed.

“No, she was always a bit intimidating, and I was just a touch too shy.” Ro turns to Reed, surprised.

“I was intimidating?” She hadn’t spent much time contemplating how she came across to others, too occupied with surviving in her day-to-day.

Reed shrugs sheepishly, “I could never get a read of you. That made me nervous. You were so unbothered by what went on around you, you’d be sketching away in that book of yours, or reading and I —“ Reed flushes red, “And I’ve just just completely overstepped! I’m so sorry, my ma always told me to think before I speak, but I never fail to put my foot in my mouth.”

Ro blinks, unsure of how to respond. Reed hadn’t been trying to offend her, and she had asked as to how he had perceived her, “You’re fine. I didn’t realise I was so unapproachable.”

Reed’s shaking his head, “No it’s not like that. It was just like — well you were so quiet — and so pretty, it wasn’t through any fault of your own. We all just got so nerv-“ He runs a hand over his red face, “Gone and done it again. Please ignore me.”

Ro picks at the skin around her thumb, “Right. Okay.” When Ro thought about her appearance, she didn’t think pretty. All she knew is that she looked too much like her mum, and that made it dangerous for her at home.

She turns to the others at the table, “I don’t believe I caught your names.”

She’s introduced to Samuel from Erudite, who spoke about a mile a minute but whose eyes were undoubtedly kind. Then there was a former Candor, Serena. She had an easy smile, and Ro found herself fairly at ease with her as the conversation continued. Finally, she said hello to the slightly sullen boy who sat next to Reed. He had nodded once and she had responded in kind. She found herself surprised at the ease of which she communicated with these initiates. She wasn’t exactly comfortable, but she didn’t see why that couldn’t change. She considered herself a fairly decent judge of character. Or, rather, she knew what it looked like when someone was pretending. The people that surrounded her were nervous, but they were genuine. Excited. She feels a jitter rise, one she didn’t recognise.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W's: allusion to past abuse

When they head back to their rooms, she is shown an empty bed beside Vera’s own. She sits on it with a nod and asks where the bathrooms might be. Vera winces as if reminding her of her injuries and her absence on the first night would be upsetting or her fault, “Oh you would have missed that.”

She nods her head and starts walking, Ro following closely behind. It takes her a moment to register what the room is missing but upon realising the complete lack of doors or privacy she stops stock still.

She knows her face has gone blank but there’s a fear rising that she doesn’t know how to compress. She didn’t know these people. Wasn’t comfortable going to the bathroom near them let alone showering. Someone could take advantage or they could see her scars. There was no trust there, and she couldn’t comprehend how Dauntless was really so daft as to not consider that there existed humans with malicious intent. That preyed, that took delight in pain. Even a leer had made her feel faint in past. This was too much. She was shaken.

“Hey.” Ro looks up, realising that her breathing had grown panicked, Vera stands in front of her, not touching. Hovering with concern etched in her kind face.

“I can hold up a towel, or whatever you need. We can organise turns with the boys, or turns amongst everyone if that makes you more comfortable.”

Ro tries to relax, tries to stop dreading the unknown, “I’m overreacting.”

“No, you’re not. Anything that makes you react like this is the problem. I’ll sort it now.”

Ro feels her eyes well up then, “You don’t know me.”

Vera shakes her head, “I don’t have to know you. You just go sit down and let me talk with some of the others, they won’t know this came from you.”

Ro nods and makes her way slowly to her mattress. She notices Vera head over to Reed and Samuel. She can see them nodding. It doesn’t take very long for someone to get everyone’s attention. Ro looks up with no expression. There were 9 initiates this year, and all seemed fairly amenable to a timetable of sorts. Ro felt a huge sense of relief and gratitude. She meets Vera’s eyes and receives a wink. A secret shared and, she hopes, a friend made.

***

The group of initiates she met earlier decides to explore the pit. She decides to tag along because while exhausted, she had a slow growing desire to fit in here — if only until she had to leave.

One of the first things that registers is that the Dauntless compound has a plethora of stairs. They are precarious and steep and she almost loses her footing once, held up only because she walks arm in arm with Vera who gives her a reassuring smile. She keeps up with the others, who have slowed down to accomodate her, but she is exhausted nonetheless. Her ribs and legs, especially, ache.

Another thing that registers is that Dauntless compound is vibrant in a way Amity wasn’t. The people aren’t caught in a haze here, high on peace serum. They are loud, joyous, angry, relaxed. Conversations are had ardently, arguments are had passionately. Nothing feels halfway or unfulfilled. She looks to the group that surrounds her, already fitting in brilliantly with their surroundings and she feels a warm, comfortable feeling emerging in her. She lets herself feel it a moment, but doesn’t linger. She couldn’t get too comfortable.

She is unsurprised when the first place they head is the tattoo parlour. She waves the others on, Vera too and she sits gingerly on a chair, hand cradling her ribs.

“Already been in a fight there, initiate?” She turns her head in surprise at being addressed here. The man she sees is not much older than her. He’s quite beautiful actually. Dark hair, dark eyes and a cheeky grin.

She runs a hand through her hair, unsure how to respond but not wanting to get into it, “Just the one. I’ll be good to go for round two in ten.”

He laughs, “I bet. You looking to get tattooed?”

It’s then that she realises that this man likely worked there, judging by the fact that he was sat at a table with his tattoo supplies in a kit beside him and she was sitting in what looked to be the client chair. 

“Oh sorry,” she makes to get up and he waves his hand, “No, no sit, you’ve been wincing since you came in and I don’t have a client for another 20.”

She settles back again, “Thanks.”

It’s silent a moment and she figures this twenty would pass quicker if she didn’t revert to her Amity self, “You been working here long?”

“About two years now, pretty much since initiation. Where’d you transfer in from? I haven’t seen your face around Dauntless before.”

She feels her fingers do an anxious tap at her ribs but answers anyways, “I transferred in from Amity.”

He lets out a low whistle, “Certainly a change of pace then. I transferred from Candor myself, always knew Dauntless was for me.”

She nods but doesn’t have much else to say, “Can I look at some of your work? I can come back when I’m all healed up if you’re any good.”

He grins and shakes his head, but brings forward a sketchbook, “I hope these are to your liking, your majesty.”

She surprised at what she finds. Inky, expressive. His work is stunning. She continues flipping and stops at one that he hasn’t inked, that is just a sketch, that doesn’t look quite finished. She looks up at him, surprised to see him watching her. His eyes flicker down at the sketch she stops at and he laughs, “Of course you’ve found my one shit piece.”

She looks down and then up, “No. It’s beautiful. Just unfinished. Your work is so expressive and gorgeous.”

He stops a moment and just looks at her, “You draw any?”

She thinks back to the last time she sat and sketched in the fields. Before it had gotten really bad. Before her step dad had started — well.

“Not for a while. Never this well.”

He takes the sketchbook back gently, and tears out the page. She looks at him, perplexed.

He holds it out to her, “Bring it back when it’s finished. Ask for Seb.”

She looks down at the work, then back up, “I could be incredibly shit, you realise?”

Seb smiles and she thinks for a moment how easy it looks, how genuinely it crinkles his eyes. How she wishes anything made her smile like that, “Either way, I’ll see you again. I’ll try not to laugh at your stick figures.”

“You’re too kind.” She gets up, “I’m Ro by the way.” 

He stands up for no discernible reason, “Hope to see you soon.”

She shakes her head but waves and finds Vera whose mid-tattoo.

“Hey. I’m just going to head back and sleep. Forgot my pain meds back with my stuff.”

Vera’s response is instantaneous, “Oh I can come with no problem.”

“Vera you’re literally getting tattooed don’t be silly, I’ll head back by myself. Just wanted to tell you so you knew.”

“If you’re sure, but I honestly don’t mind.”

Ro shakes her head, unsure how she had made a friend already, but thankful for the concern, “I’ll see you a bit later. Have fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's the way i always forget to capitalise the factions for me
> 
> this chapter is starting to set things up, hope it's not too bland! thanks for your kudos i appreciate y'all
> 
> im nosemuff on tumblr if u wanna interact and pls do comment ur thoughts i'd love to hear them!
> 
> hope ur all staying safe


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